It's Almost All Over

College is, I mean. Not life or anything drastic. College. That thing I started going to about four years ago and have been struggling and succeeding and everything in between. I graduate with a BA in creative writing May 2nd. Crazy, right? Yeah, I know. But it's happening, and I'm getting there. Oh, and did you know I wrote a book? Well, it's a book, and I wrote it, but it's not a novel. Yet.

I have to make a portfolio to graduate, with some stuff from my school year in it. Writings and samples, you know. So I decided, using Blurb, to make it into a book. So I did! I made it a book! I wrote every word and designed the cover and did that contents and everything except print it. It's coming in the mail in a week!

Right Dream, Wrong Time

Have you ever wanted something really, really bad? And have you ever gotten that thing and then had to say no because it's the wrong time? I waited my whole life for this thing. When I saw it was within my reach, I was very conflicted. It was what I always wanted, something I knew would make me happy. But it was the wrong time, the complete wrong time for it. I had to deal with the euphoria of having it so close, but I had to push it away.

It's a tough feeling. Sometimes I go back to the moment when I had it, just to remember what it feels like to have a lifelong dream realized. I remind myself often and tell myself it will happen some other day, when I'm ready. Because no way am I ready for this opportunity now. I couldn't take it. I'm still conflicted about it. I regret some days, but I know it was the right choice. It's a good thing in theory, but giving that dream up for now was the best decision for me.

When I had that dream right in my hand, I felt like I was starting my life. Every second I felt conflict, though, because keeping that dream alive would not be good for me right now. And now that I gave that dream a rain check, I find I am even more impatient to start life and have that dream for real this time. I have dreams pretty often about it. I'm happy in those dreams. I feel like I was given a chance to taste it until it actually happens.

A review of Blurb.com (so far)

After a quick search for book printing, I came across the lovely blurb.com. The prices were great and the pages were easily navigable. I learned that printing a book (that I design) would be maybe $4.00. That price is variable, depending on type of paper, print, size of book, whether it has a dust jacket or is a softcover, and lots of other personalized things. Additional pages are $.01 each. So I can easily print a book of, like, 200 pages for less than $5.

Blurb also offers free programs that you can download and use. The programs that I downloaded, BookWright and BookSmart, installed quickly and easily and uploading my Word documents was simple. There are very simplistic tutorials online that I took advantage of.

One thing I love about this site is that I can customize everything about it. I can add an author bio and a photo if I want. I can add thirty blank pages. I can write a title page, an acknowledgement page, literally anything I want to add, I can. They even offer services to turn your book into an ebook, and you can choose to hire one of their editor/formatters to tweak your work.

I'm a pretty impatient person, and getting a book even looked at by a publisher is a huge feat. With Blurb, I can print as many of my own books, designed exactly how I want, whenever I want. I'm crazy excited to work on something. And I know I'll have total power over how it looks.

I will say that it is a little confusing and difficult to get the book from your program to the site where it can be printed for you. I'm still learning how to use all of the tools given by the programs, but so far, I am loving it.

http://www.blurb.com

The evolution of popularity

According to the TV and movies you've seen since you could retain memories, popularity usually has to do with beauty and confidence. That's what I always thought that popularity would be when I went to school. Not so much elementary school, but middle and high school, I expected that cliquish popularity to take over.

I started going to school during a transition period. Ideals were changing. Beauty was no longer a requirement to being popular. And the idea of what 'popular' even meant was changing. Early 2000s and late 1990s, it meant those mean girls who dressed beautifully and went to parties. It meant you had confidence and knew everyone and classified everyone. It started to change when that whole 'be yourself' movement began to take charge.

When that happened, kids began to take less notice of those people that knew everyone. They were slowly taken down from their pedestal. Eventually, everyone was on the same ground. I didn't witness bullying and/or teasing in middle school or high school. It just didn't happen. People made friends and talked to one another and there was no hierarchy. People just were, and they weren't afraid to be judged for liking something obscure. In fact, the more obscure something was, the more people were interested in it.

People still liked mainstream music and culture and entertainment, but the Internet was allowing everyone everywhere to branch out and discover those little bands in Minnesota with seventy likes on Facebook.The Internet was instrumental to people changing how popularity in school was seen. You could discover anything there. Even the things you were sure no one else knew was a 'thing' had fandoms all over the Internet. We started to receive acceptance online and not just in a school setting, and suddenly, the opinions of people you went to school with held little to nothing when you had the entire world at your fingers.

But still, on television and in movies, popularity was always shown as the popular beautiful people with complete power over all other students. Everyone was classified, as if they could have no more than one hobby. I mean that was slowly changing, but it was still treated like a rarity when a drama geek was also a 'popular' kid. It's entertaining to watch, but it's not so real anymore.

I know that bullying is still a problem, and cyberbullying is no small dilemma. I just never witnessed the bullying or meanness to others. And if I did, people didn't take it. Since people didn't hold hierarchies, peers weren't afraid to speak up when something unfair was happening.

There will always be a problem with bullying because people are raised differently and are abused and some are just confused. But things have really changed. I, for one, am glad that my sister goes to a school now where everyone is free to be themselves without fear of judgement.

It's Coming Up

As you (most likely don't) know, I am to graduate in May. As I keep telling people, that's if I pass my classes. Not that I'm in danger of that. I just like to keep a hint of caution. I will have a creative writing degree. It's, like, my dream degree. I didn't even realize how perfect it was until I had been in it for a while. But it all adds up.

• At night, I was the best bedtime story teller. 
• I ate up books; children's and young adult. Still primarily read those.
• I actually wrote a few 'books,' including a book that I bound in cardboard about a unicorn who went on a journey to find other unicorns. She meets a giant spider in the forest. (I had no idea about that movie, The Last Unicorn)
• I also wrote a little four page poetry book. I wrote on the front who illustrated it (me) and who wrote it (me). It was a thrill to see my name on a cover.
• My senior year of high school I got to take a lot of elective courses. From a catalog, I selected creative writing, and it was the #1 class for me. I spent hours on my portfolio, literally binding ten little books with a work each in them to all fit into one of those decorative books that open.
• In English classes, my essays always had a sense of self. I loved writing days.
• I worked in the library for a class period my junior year. Dear god, the smell of new YA books as they roll in and the satisfying crack as they are opened for the first time... 
• I would get more passionate about the creative essays than the research papers.
• I stay up on all the young adult book trends and authors and titles and such. Always have.

So you see, it was something in front of me all along, but I never really put it together. I wasn't even aware such a degree existed. I heard someone say it in passing and I just reached out and grabbed it. My major used to be vocal performance, because it was something I loved doing, but I didn't enjoy the technical side of it. I minored in it instead and took on the writing degree!

Over the years I have written dozens - if not hundreds - of stories and poems. I have written scripts and written critiques for my peers and worked on my own little novels. I edited other people's work and helped them out with plot and characters. That rush from seeing my name on the cover of something? Still totally there. Now I convert my Word documents into epubs so I can read them on my ereader. Flipping through and seeing my book, even if only I see it, is exhilarating. 

So after graduation, I don't know where I'll go. But I'll always have writing. And I will always know that I majored in something I really love. 

Yep, I go to school with my grandpa

As my grandfather, heretofore referred to as 'Gramps,' will tell anyone, he started taking courses five years ago after watching a special on television. This special said that older people should turn off their televisions and go back to school, because if you're super old, you can go for free. So Gramps got off the couch and asked his school, Hendrix, about it. They weren't interested. However, UCA was. So he signed up for courses, to audit them.

I started attending UCA the next year. Gramps takes classes every semester; he's taking two courses this time, and they always fall at the same time. Lunchtime, afterward, so he can pig out in the cafeteria. He likes taking the history courses. He excels in them, even sometimes adding information the professor didn't know. He spends hours a day in the library reading and researching about what he's learning in class. Being unable to even turn on a computer, he reads books, and a lot of them.

Gramps lives across the street from the campus, so he walks here every day. He goes to the cafeteria and reads newspapers as he eats, then goes to class, then researches. When I can, I join him in the cafeteria, and tell all my friends about him to say hi. He's quite an open book. Friendly and talks to everyone. His peers in class call him 'Jim' and when they call him 'sir', he tells them if they're to call him sir, that they should instead refer to him as 'Your Excellency." And they call him that.

When the professor assigns partners, they all fight to be with him. He knows his stuff, and he's funny. Pretty absurd, too. I sat in on a class that he was in once for a non-fiction assignment, and he was so proud to introduce his granddaughter to the class. He brags to everyone that he attends university with me. The cafeteria ladies all know him. Students say hi to him on the sidewalk.

I'm so amazed at him, at his commitment to school. He never misses a day, not ever. I mean, who all can say they're going to the same college their gramps is going to?  I do what he does and we brag on each other often. As my last semester here, I'm trying to take every second in and enjoy it, knowing this is something to tell my kids and their kids one day. And who knows? Maybe I'll even go to school with my grandkids.

What I'm Doing

The first thing I remember writing is a poem book for my parents. It was probably for Valentine's Day, since it was done in all red construction paper and every poem was about hearts and love. I felt like the coolest person ever holding my own bound (stapled) work and showing my whole family.

After a while, I decided to write about a unicorn, because I really effing love unicorns and fairies and mermaids. This unicorn was all alone and could find no other unicorns, so she went on a journey. On her way, she met a nice but giant talking spider. I didn't get far in it, but I loved writing it. I hand wrote it on printer paper, having taped the blank pages into a crude cardboard hardcover with my own drawing of a unicorn on it. I always sort of wanted to write, and I always did (and man, could I tell a bedtime story!) want to publish something, but it didn't hit me to do it as a job until my senior year of high school.

I've been inspired to help non-writers see their ideas in print. Some people have awesome ideas but have no clue how to write or start, or just don't want to write it, but still think it's a great idea and someone should use it. I don't know how, but I want to help those people. Give me your worn out, your old, your fantastical ideas. I'll write them for you. 

I have probably hundreds or story starts. I have so many ideas; I keep track of them in my phone under notes and constantly come up with new ideas, usually when I'm trying to sleep. I actually like it when my friends tell me that they've always wanted to write a book about [insert book idea here], and they give me the idea. It's like prompts, or very loose outlines.

As a senior creative writing major, I've started to send out my resume and samples of work to places in hopes of obtaining an internship. I've upped my social media game, come back to blogging, and am starting to realize I can make my own path and create my own life.

I've been a fan of Cracked articles for years now and have always dreamed of being published on the site. Some of my posts are in the format of Cracked's stuff, but I've been to afraid to send it in. I think I will now. This is the start of my career. And I know it will be a career, because I love doing it. Sure, I'll have a day job, but this - no matter how it turns out - will always be my passion.