Yep, I go to school with my grandpa

As my grandfather, heretofore referred to as 'Gramps,' will tell anyone, he started taking courses five years ago after watching a special on television. This special said that older people should turn off their televisions and go back to school, because if you're super old, you can go for free. So Gramps got off the couch and asked his school, Hendrix, about it. They weren't interested. However, UCA was. So he signed up for courses, to audit them.

I started attending UCA the next year. Gramps takes classes every semester; he's taking two courses this time, and they always fall at the same time. Lunchtime, afterward, so he can pig out in the cafeteria. He likes taking the history courses. He excels in them, even sometimes adding information the professor didn't know. He spends hours a day in the library reading and researching about what he's learning in class. Being unable to even turn on a computer, he reads books, and a lot of them.

Gramps lives across the street from the campus, so he walks here every day. He goes to the cafeteria and reads newspapers as he eats, then goes to class, then researches. When I can, I join him in the cafeteria, and tell all my friends about him to say hi. He's quite an open book. Friendly and talks to everyone. His peers in class call him 'Jim' and when they call him 'sir', he tells them if they're to call him sir, that they should instead refer to him as 'Your Excellency." And they call him that.

When the professor assigns partners, they all fight to be with him. He knows his stuff, and he's funny. Pretty absurd, too. I sat in on a class that he was in once for a non-fiction assignment, and he was so proud to introduce his granddaughter to the class. He brags to everyone that he attends university with me. The cafeteria ladies all know him. Students say hi to him on the sidewalk.

I'm so amazed at him, at his commitment to school. He never misses a day, not ever. I mean, who all can say they're going to the same college their gramps is going to?  I do what he does and we brag on each other often. As my last semester here, I'm trying to take every second in and enjoy it, knowing this is something to tell my kids and their kids one day. And who knows? Maybe I'll even go to school with my grandkids.

What I'm Doing

The first thing I remember writing is a poem book for my parents. It was probably for Valentine's Day, since it was done in all red construction paper and every poem was about hearts and love. I felt like the coolest person ever holding my own bound (stapled) work and showing my whole family.

After a while, I decided to write about a unicorn, because I really effing love unicorns and fairies and mermaids. This unicorn was all alone and could find no other unicorns, so she went on a journey. On her way, she met a nice but giant talking spider. I didn't get far in it, but I loved writing it. I hand wrote it on printer paper, having taped the blank pages into a crude cardboard hardcover with my own drawing of a unicorn on it. I always sort of wanted to write, and I always did (and man, could I tell a bedtime story!) want to publish something, but it didn't hit me to do it as a job until my senior year of high school.

I've been inspired to help non-writers see their ideas in print. Some people have awesome ideas but have no clue how to write or start, or just don't want to write it, but still think it's a great idea and someone should use it. I don't know how, but I want to help those people. Give me your worn out, your old, your fantastical ideas. I'll write them for you. 

I have probably hundreds or story starts. I have so many ideas; I keep track of them in my phone under notes and constantly come up with new ideas, usually when I'm trying to sleep. I actually like it when my friends tell me that they've always wanted to write a book about [insert book idea here], and they give me the idea. It's like prompts, or very loose outlines.

As a senior creative writing major, I've started to send out my resume and samples of work to places in hopes of obtaining an internship. I've upped my social media game, come back to blogging, and am starting to realize I can make my own path and create my own life.

I've been a fan of Cracked articles for years now and have always dreamed of being published on the site. Some of my posts are in the format of Cracked's stuff, but I've been to afraid to send it in. I think I will now. This is the start of my career. And I know it will be a career, because I love doing it. Sure, I'll have a day job, but this - no matter how it turns out - will always be my passion.

We should all get together and love Civil War era music

I'm writing this because since I can remember, there are times (sometimes months apart, maybe years) that I get a few songs stuck in my head. These are songs that when I sing them, no one knows what I'm singing. Probably because they were written and popular before your great grandmother lived.

You're right! Well, probably not, unless you said I'm thinking of Civil War era music. We remember that time as black and white photos with unsmiling people, fighting, slaves, pain, death, disease. I suppose it's hard to believe that they were actually people like us. We just don't really think of them like that because they didn't take pictures of smiling and everything seemed too stuffy. But these people liked music, and they cranked some pretty neat tunes that really gives us an insight as to what they were like. You probably know "Camptown Races" and "Oh! Susanna", but what about...

Note: Try to find versions of these songs done like they were written, not all popped up and redone by big stars. Though I appreciate them trying. I recommend The 97th Regimental String Band's records.

1. "Blue Tail Fly"

First of all, shut up about the rap songs that have sampled this beautiful song.

You know about Jimmy Crack Corn. And if not, get ready to learn. It's a popular children's piece, but I bet you don't know much about it. It was first published in 1846, and listening to the lyrics, you learn that it's in the point of view of a slave. Basically, the story is about the slave discussing the blue tail fly, this horrible giant fly that would suck on horses, making them throw off their 'massas'. The slave is sort of mourning the 'massa's' death.

the killer

There's a lot of disagreement about what the Jimmy Crack Corn part means. Alcohol makin', gossiping, yada yada. I don't know either. But it's a fun song and actually preserves a pretty important aspect of our history. And it's really awesome because it's not racist. I think.

2. "If You've Only Got A Mustache"

If you're one of the 70 people that saw A Million Ways to Die in the West, and stayed until the big musical number, you heard a version of this song. I am one of those people. But I heard this song long before the movie was even thought of. I grew up listening to it in my grandmother's car, so when I heard it, I thought it was weird that no one else in the theater (all six of them) knew what I was singing. I sang anyway because YOLO.

Written by the father of American music Stephen Foster in 1864, this song is about mustaches. Obvi. And this is over a century before mustaches adorned everything that could be made. Seriously, why were those fuzzy caterpillars so popular they needed to adorn pillows and bed sets and candles and earrings and cars? Yes, I saw a car with a giant mustache one day. Still have the photo.

The song is for those "poor single men" who want to "capture the hearts of the fair." Foster tells them not to despair if they've got a mustache! Just grow a mustache and you'll marry and procreate like bunnies. You may have everything, but life is just empty without a mustache. This is a fun, catchy song and will make you laugh. Share it with your kids. Then you'll all know and love the mustache song.

it still plagues me

3. "Hard Times Come Again No More"

One of Stephen Foster's better known pieces, I still find that no one at school knows it. Published in 1854, it's all about "pausing in life's pleasures" and thinking about how you got those pleasures. Through someone else's hard work. So Foster is asking for there to be no more hard times. A woman with a worn heart has gone through some shit and you're all happy, just stop and think about the hard times people have gone through. It's a beautiful song and quite catchy, and when you pause and think about what's gotten stuck in your head, you'll really see where Foster was coming from.


4. "Old Dog Tray"

Who doesn't love dogs? (That wasn't an actual question. Keep your dog hating to yourself.) Again a Stephen Foster song, this is about a man who has a dog, and that dog is very loyal. Dogs may get annoyed with you, like when you wash them or clip their nails or remove their testicles, but they always forgive you and love on you again. Pretty sure if you removed your human friend's testicles he'd be a bit more testy.

Old dog Tray's ever faithful
Grief cannot drive him away
He's simple, he is kind
I'll never never find 
A better friend than old dog Tray

I mean, it's so sweet. And it makes me happy to have my dogs, even if they are ungrateful sometimes. And all of these songs are child friendly!

Okay, so there may be some debate over "Blue Tail Fly" but that's just because a slave's master dies because of a ruthless insect with only one goal: to kill.

Landmines and Dates

     So on my school's campus today, there are multiple old men in suits handing out little New Testaments. They're pretty adamant about handing them out, stopping any person who walks by and making sure they have one. I have been stopped three times now and it's not even noon. I discarded one copy for someone else to find and currently have another because I don't have the heart to tell those old people 'no thanks'. I told one guy I already had one and he said does your friend need one? And I said yes though no friend of mine has been complaining about the void in her life only a New Testament would fill.
     Aside from the old people handing out God literature, I got asked on a date. Yes, I know. Hard to believe. His name is Nathan and he's sweet and loves to write. We're going to see a movie tomorrow. We met at the library through a mutual friend and saw each other again at a reading of poetry and fiction and scripts Monday night. He walked me to my apartment on the way back and we talked about movies and writing and anything. When we got to my apartment, he said we should write sometime. He said yes. I said we could write in my apartment, since I have a big living room and kitchen with a bar. He then said he'd bring a movie we'd been discussing, and that I should bring the movie I'd been talking about. I told him my film was still in theaters and he suggested we go!
     That's a date, right?

How To... Have a One Night Stand

Dating is time consuming. It can also be expensive. Plus, finding someone who wants to spend a few hours with you and watch you eat can be difficult. A perk of dating can be sex. You can text your significant other anytime and just be like, "Hey, I need some peen/lady bits." If you aren't dating and you want sex, it's a little more complicated. Luckily, I've found some success in this, and I have a couple of great tips to make your one night stand awesome.

1. Know where to go

It’s pretty difficult to go to a coffee shop, scope some hottie out, and somehow entice them into getting in bed with you. There are so many variables; what if they don’t want sex? What if they’re gay or in a relationship? What if they’re totally prudish? We live in an era of technology. Use it. Love it.

My first few trysts were results of an anonymous site, and though that was fine and all, it got me more creeper old dick pics than suitable lovers. After that, my little sister (blossoming into the fun that is high school) introduced me to some apps that allow you to rate others based on their appearance. I’ve found two that work well. Hot or Not and Tinder.

The way to get laid

There’s a whole article waiting to be written on how to craft the perfect profile to get the smoking hot guys, but I’ll try to keep it simple. Include flattering photos. Don’t let the pictures with weird backgrounds sneak in. You’ll notice after you’ve started rating guys/girls that if someone is in a bathroom on a toilet, it’s not sexy. Don’t choose those pictures that make you look like a tool. Unless you want tools. In that case I guess it’s fine.

Just go through your accounts and rate guys. Be honest with yourself. Could you see this guy/girl on top of you? Would you be turned on by their smile? Do they look clean? Be picky. There will be hundreds of guys to choose from, and chances are, someone will dig you like you dig them.

2.  Craft messages carefully

So you’ve got a queue of guys/girls who have liked you back, and now you’re able to message them. This is the exciting part. It’s also the hardest part. Sometimes you’ll get a message first, but it’s usually a ‘hey’ or something, pretty lame. If you really want to be successful, you need to pretend like you’re in person. Or at least pretend you’re really confident. Confidence is key.

Read the person’s little profile. Look through the pictures and try to find something you both like, or find something interesting about him or her. For instance. One ridiculously hot guy had a little description that merely said, “you should get to know me.” Use this to your advantage. Message him, “I should get to know you, huh?” You’ve got some coy in there, you’ve started with a question that will get you some answers, and you’ve made the first move.

From then on, find other things you have in common. Find out if you share the same ideas. Be under the radar about it; unless it’s really who you are and he/she is really giving off that vibe, don’t outright say you’re looking for a lay. Let your messages be flirty. Make that person want to know you. Drop hints about what you should do together, i.e., “we should get some falafel sometime” or whatever you both dig. Whatever it is, somehow get to a point where you have to meet in person to do something.

3. Be safe about it

You want to avoid this.

You and Hottie have made some little plans. They’re kind of vague, because making really specific plans just comes off as desperate. Decide if you want this person to know where you live. Would you be freaked out knowing this person knows where you are located? Would you feel more comfortable going to his or her place? A lot of this depends on who can host, but make sure you’re comfortable with it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, like “is your room clean?” “does it smell bad?” because it’s hard to get it on when the smell of dog shit permeates the room.

Bring your own protection. You don’t know if this person is safe (though hopefully you’ve established your drug/disease free) and no one wants to get pregnant. You should also bring with you a couple of other items. Minty gum is helpful, or some form of mints; an energy or granola bar, because stomach rumbling sucks and asking for food is awkward; cash, because who knows if you’ll want some Coke after it all? Also, if you’re into it, bring along a pair of heels, ladies. They definitely work well. Make sure you have your phone with you and charged.

Also, if his house looks ridiculously sketch, it may be a better idea to text him and say you couldn’t find it. Or tell him you have herpes (I did that once when I wanted to get out of it. Worked perfectly).

4. What to do after

So. You and whomever you’ve decided is worthy of your genitals have done the deed, and now it’s the awkward bit. The clean-up has started, the clothes are being put back on, and mumbles are happening. The best thing to do is gather that confidence again. Remind yourself of what this is; a one night thing. Tell him or her thanks, that you enjoyed it (even if you didn't

Oh,yeah. 

: don’t be a bitch), and grab your belongings. MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING. I’m telling you, leaving something over is awful. Then you have a whole set of issues. Just get all the stuff you brought.

Sometimes you’ll be walked to the door. Let them walk you to the door if it was enjoyable and you want it to happen maybe again. Usually, when you’re walked out, you leave with a kiss, sealing that this was a good time. If it was bad or you really want to go, wave and leave. Don’t turn around and look back. Bam. You’ve just banged someone you hand-picked.

Overall, DO NOT think of leaving as the ‘walk of shame’. It’s the STRIDE OF PRIDE.

Funky Dreams

Have you ever had some sort of crisis in your life and then, because your brain can't stop thinking about it for even one minute, you have a dream about it? It happens rarely (to me, anyway) but it happens. Lately, I've been having problems with my boyfriend, whom I'll call Dave. Dave and I are in a long-distance relationship. It gets tough, trust me. Anyway, so I've been wondering how much I want to be with him lately. After not seeing him for a long while, you start to let yourself forget so you don't ache as much. Last night, I had a dream with Dave in it, and it actually helped me out.

Dave had a daughter. A beautiful little girl, maybe six, with long, curly brown hair and a pretty face. I don't think she had a name; I'll just call her Nora. Anyway, in the dream, Dave and I were dating, and Nora and I were close. Dave got me an elaborate necklace, with beads the color of fire and sunsets. It had a big, swirly pendant on it, and he hung to that a piece of jewelry for Nora. Not long after that, he broke up with me. I felt like I was dying inside. Suffocating without him. I then saw Nora talking to Dave, asking why I was gone, and that she missed me. Dave tried to forget me and eventually dated many other women, giving each a necklace of a different color. After many women, Nora looked through her father's jewelry and found the fire necklace I'd been given. Her piece was still attached. She brought it to Dave, and he realized he loved and missed me.

Then we got back together and were happy. I awoke missing Dave dearly, and even longing for the little girl that brought us back together.

Why I Pay $4 for a Cup of Coffee

Before college, I was never really into the whole coffee thing. My dad drank it in the morning as a ritual, but I never got into it. When I got to college, I realized that there was a Starbucks in the library. Of course, I couldn't believe anyone would pay $4 for a coffee, and that's for the smallest size (dubbed 'tall' inexplicably). But something changed in me at college. 

1.     It’s fucking delicious, that’s why

The first time I ever went here to have myself a coffee I had no idea what I was doing. Really. I went up and said “I like sweet things, but I don’t like coffee…” and the poor baristas whipped up a mocha. A mocha, for clueless people, is a hot chocolate with espresso in it. Jesus, it’s delicious. It’s warm and chocolaty and perfect. And those bastards at Starbucks know that once you’ve had a taste you want more and more. So of course every time I passed the little coffee shop I spent FOUR dollars on a little cup of hot chocolate with espresso in it.

It gets better. Christmas rolls around, right? And they have all this seasonal flavored syrup people go gaga for, like peppermint and Christmas tree and sugar cookie and ornament. But there’s also gingerbread. Oh god, the gingerbread flavor. I went to Starbucks and a guy I had a class with was working. He crafted me a drink that Jesus would worship. It was simply hot chocolate with gingerbread. I know, I sound ridiculous. But it was incredible. And from then on I didn’t care that it cost $4 a cup of heaven droplets.

2.    I do not have the time to craft my own deliciousness

In the morning, I’m lucky to get cereal down my throat. I don’t own a coffee machine, and the idea of making hot chocolate with water makes me queasy. I was never in the habit of having coffee before the morning starts and I’m still not. I just like it when I’m studying or want to look sophisticated. First of all I have no clue how to make anything they have. Go ahead and send me all the recipes you want, I can’t make it like they do. I don’t have that fancy steamer that boils milk in mere seconds, nor do I have the whipped cream dispensary that you hold upside down. So I cannot replicate their creations. And furthermore, I will not. That is sacrilege.

3.     What else am I doing with my money?

That sounds bad. I know. As a college student money is tight. I try not to blow money all willy nilly, but sometimes you want a mocha with whipped cream and gingerbread syrup. At my school there are meal plans. I have a student ID card that has the money for meals on it. Preloaded. You can spend that money only on things on campus, food-wise. So I have at least $625 to spend a semester on food, and if I don’t, I lose it. So why the hell not buy coffee when I want to sip something hot?