Landmines and Dates

     So on my school's campus today, there are multiple old men in suits handing out little New Testaments. They're pretty adamant about handing them out, stopping any person who walks by and making sure they have one. I have been stopped three times now and it's not even noon. I discarded one copy for someone else to find and currently have another because I don't have the heart to tell those old people 'no thanks'. I told one guy I already had one and he said does your friend need one? And I said yes though no friend of mine has been complaining about the void in her life only a New Testament would fill.
     Aside from the old people handing out God literature, I got asked on a date. Yes, I know. Hard to believe. His name is Nathan and he's sweet and loves to write. We're going to see a movie tomorrow. We met at the library through a mutual friend and saw each other again at a reading of poetry and fiction and scripts Monday night. He walked me to my apartment on the way back and we talked about movies and writing and anything. When we got to my apartment, he said we should write sometime. He said yes. I said we could write in my apartment, since I have a big living room and kitchen with a bar. He then said he'd bring a movie we'd been discussing, and that I should bring the movie I'd been talking about. I told him my film was still in theaters and he suggested we go!
     That's a date, right?

How To... Have a One Night Stand

Dating is time consuming. It can also be expensive. Plus, finding someone who wants to spend a few hours with you and watch you eat can be difficult. A perk of dating can be sex. You can text your significant other anytime and just be like, "Hey, I need some peen/lady bits." If you aren't dating and you want sex, it's a little more complicated. Luckily, I've found some success in this, and I have a couple of great tips to make your one night stand awesome.

1. Know where to go

It’s pretty difficult to go to a coffee shop, scope some hottie out, and somehow entice them into getting in bed with you. There are so many variables; what if they don’t want sex? What if they’re gay or in a relationship? What if they’re totally prudish? We live in an era of technology. Use it. Love it.

My first few trysts were results of an anonymous site, and though that was fine and all, it got me more creeper old dick pics than suitable lovers. After that, my little sister (blossoming into the fun that is high school) introduced me to some apps that allow you to rate others based on their appearance. I’ve found two that work well. Hot or Not and Tinder.

The way to get laid

There’s a whole article waiting to be written on how to craft the perfect profile to get the smoking hot guys, but I’ll try to keep it simple. Include flattering photos. Don’t let the pictures with weird backgrounds sneak in. You’ll notice after you’ve started rating guys/girls that if someone is in a bathroom on a toilet, it’s not sexy. Don’t choose those pictures that make you look like a tool. Unless you want tools. In that case I guess it’s fine.

Just go through your accounts and rate guys. Be honest with yourself. Could you see this guy/girl on top of you? Would you be turned on by their smile? Do they look clean? Be picky. There will be hundreds of guys to choose from, and chances are, someone will dig you like you dig them.

2.  Craft messages carefully

So you’ve got a queue of guys/girls who have liked you back, and now you’re able to message them. This is the exciting part. It’s also the hardest part. Sometimes you’ll get a message first, but it’s usually a ‘hey’ or something, pretty lame. If you really want to be successful, you need to pretend like you’re in person. Or at least pretend you’re really confident. Confidence is key.

Read the person’s little profile. Look through the pictures and try to find something you both like, or find something interesting about him or her. For instance. One ridiculously hot guy had a little description that merely said, “you should get to know me.” Use this to your advantage. Message him, “I should get to know you, huh?” You’ve got some coy in there, you’ve started with a question that will get you some answers, and you’ve made the first move.

From then on, find other things you have in common. Find out if you share the same ideas. Be under the radar about it; unless it’s really who you are and he/she is really giving off that vibe, don’t outright say you’re looking for a lay. Let your messages be flirty. Make that person want to know you. Drop hints about what you should do together, i.e., “we should get some falafel sometime” or whatever you both dig. Whatever it is, somehow get to a point where you have to meet in person to do something.

3. Be safe about it

You want to avoid this.

You and Hottie have made some little plans. They’re kind of vague, because making really specific plans just comes off as desperate. Decide if you want this person to know where you live. Would you be freaked out knowing this person knows where you are located? Would you feel more comfortable going to his or her place? A lot of this depends on who can host, but make sure you’re comfortable with it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, like “is your room clean?” “does it smell bad?” because it’s hard to get it on when the smell of dog shit permeates the room.

Bring your own protection. You don’t know if this person is safe (though hopefully you’ve established your drug/disease free) and no one wants to get pregnant. You should also bring with you a couple of other items. Minty gum is helpful, or some form of mints; an energy or granola bar, because stomach rumbling sucks and asking for food is awkward; cash, because who knows if you’ll want some Coke after it all? Also, if you’re into it, bring along a pair of heels, ladies. They definitely work well. Make sure you have your phone with you and charged.

Also, if his house looks ridiculously sketch, it may be a better idea to text him and say you couldn’t find it. Or tell him you have herpes (I did that once when I wanted to get out of it. Worked perfectly).

4. What to do after

So. You and whomever you’ve decided is worthy of your genitals have done the deed, and now it’s the awkward bit. The clean-up has started, the clothes are being put back on, and mumbles are happening. The best thing to do is gather that confidence again. Remind yourself of what this is; a one night thing. Tell him or her thanks, that you enjoyed it (even if you didn't

Oh,yeah. 

: don’t be a bitch), and grab your belongings. MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING. I’m telling you, leaving something over is awful. Then you have a whole set of issues. Just get all the stuff you brought.

Sometimes you’ll be walked to the door. Let them walk you to the door if it was enjoyable and you want it to happen maybe again. Usually, when you’re walked out, you leave with a kiss, sealing that this was a good time. If it was bad or you really want to go, wave and leave. Don’t turn around and look back. Bam. You’ve just banged someone you hand-picked.

Overall, DO NOT think of leaving as the ‘walk of shame’. It’s the STRIDE OF PRIDE.

Funky Dreams

Have you ever had some sort of crisis in your life and then, because your brain can't stop thinking about it for even one minute, you have a dream about it? It happens rarely (to me, anyway) but it happens. Lately, I've been having problems with my boyfriend, whom I'll call Dave. Dave and I are in a long-distance relationship. It gets tough, trust me. Anyway, so I've been wondering how much I want to be with him lately. After not seeing him for a long while, you start to let yourself forget so you don't ache as much. Last night, I had a dream with Dave in it, and it actually helped me out.

Dave had a daughter. A beautiful little girl, maybe six, with long, curly brown hair and a pretty face. I don't think she had a name; I'll just call her Nora. Anyway, in the dream, Dave and I were dating, and Nora and I were close. Dave got me an elaborate necklace, with beads the color of fire and sunsets. It had a big, swirly pendant on it, and he hung to that a piece of jewelry for Nora. Not long after that, he broke up with me. I felt like I was dying inside. Suffocating without him. I then saw Nora talking to Dave, asking why I was gone, and that she missed me. Dave tried to forget me and eventually dated many other women, giving each a necklace of a different color. After many women, Nora looked through her father's jewelry and found the fire necklace I'd been given. Her piece was still attached. She brought it to Dave, and he realized he loved and missed me.

Then we got back together and were happy. I awoke missing Dave dearly, and even longing for the little girl that brought us back together.

Why I Pay $4 for a Cup of Coffee

Before college, I was never really into the whole coffee thing. My dad drank it in the morning as a ritual, but I never got into it. When I got to college, I realized that there was a Starbucks in the library. Of course, I couldn't believe anyone would pay $4 for a coffee, and that's for the smallest size (dubbed 'tall' inexplicably). But something changed in me at college. 

1.     It’s fucking delicious, that’s why

The first time I ever went here to have myself a coffee I had no idea what I was doing. Really. I went up and said “I like sweet things, but I don’t like coffee…” and the poor baristas whipped up a mocha. A mocha, for clueless people, is a hot chocolate with espresso in it. Jesus, it’s delicious. It’s warm and chocolaty and perfect. And those bastards at Starbucks know that once you’ve had a taste you want more and more. So of course every time I passed the little coffee shop I spent FOUR dollars on a little cup of hot chocolate with espresso in it.

It gets better. Christmas rolls around, right? And they have all this seasonal flavored syrup people go gaga for, like peppermint and Christmas tree and sugar cookie and ornament. But there’s also gingerbread. Oh god, the gingerbread flavor. I went to Starbucks and a guy I had a class with was working. He crafted me a drink that Jesus would worship. It was simply hot chocolate with gingerbread. I know, I sound ridiculous. But it was incredible. And from then on I didn’t care that it cost $4 a cup of heaven droplets.

2.    I do not have the time to craft my own deliciousness

In the morning, I’m lucky to get cereal down my throat. I don’t own a coffee machine, and the idea of making hot chocolate with water makes me queasy. I was never in the habit of having coffee before the morning starts and I’m still not. I just like it when I’m studying or want to look sophisticated. First of all I have no clue how to make anything they have. Go ahead and send me all the recipes you want, I can’t make it like they do. I don’t have that fancy steamer that boils milk in mere seconds, nor do I have the whipped cream dispensary that you hold upside down. So I cannot replicate their creations. And furthermore, I will not. That is sacrilege.

3.     What else am I doing with my money?

That sounds bad. I know. As a college student money is tight. I try not to blow money all willy nilly, but sometimes you want a mocha with whipped cream and gingerbread syrup. At my school there are meal plans. I have a student ID card that has the money for meals on it. Preloaded. You can spend that money only on things on campus, food-wise. So I have at least $625 to spend a semester on food, and if I don’t, I lose it. So why the hell not buy coffee when I want to sip something hot?

Why “Glee” is totally magical realism

In case you don’t know (it’s only a cultural phenomenon), “Glee” is a television show. It was created by the guys that did “American Horror Story” and “Nip/Tuck.” It takes place in Ohio in a dinky little school and focuses on a glee club, which I have since learned is another name for a show choir. I used to think it was a club for doing happy things together. Not really.  

1.   Students look older than teachers

Okay, so I know that getting child actors can be tough because you got to work around child labor laws (darn children!) but getting a 30 year old to play a 17 year old junior? Bizarre. And it’s not just one or two. I mean nearly all the students were played by 25 and uppers. Rachel Berry, main singer in the series? She started as a sophomore. She was 23 when they started filming. Not bad, I guess. The guy who played Mike Chang, Harry Shum Jr, was 27 at the beginning of the first season.

The freshman class!

I’m not saying this is a horrible thing (yet). But it’s weird. I know that a goal of the show was to make it as realistic and close to schools now, and that includes students that aren’t 24 and freshmen in high school. I was sexually attracted to Puckerman. I, a 16 year old girl, had a crush on an almost a 30 year old. Not only that, but when I went to high school after seeing this, I was majorly disappointed. Everyone in an actual high school of actual high school ages are puny and pimply and haven’t gone through puberty.

2.    I’m pretty sure it’s magical realism

Okay, I know that sounds crazy. This isn’t like mermaids and fairies and shit. But look at it this way. In the glee club, this one named New Directions (nude erections, let’s be honest),takes students who want to be stars or who feel rejected and gives them confidence and friendship. Well, there’s that first off. In high school. Okay, the magical part is when they sing. I know it’s a TV show. I know they’re trying to make money and sell tons of merchandise. I get that. But when you’re watching and students who have been practicing for a few days suddenly bust into a hugely choreographed Broadway showtune, you kind of get jarred. 

They're singing about getting your first period.

Here they are complaining about being pregnant or drunk or God-knows, and then they sing like perfect auto-tuned angels. There’s no way you are that good. I saw you yesterday, and you were shit. Especially in high school, that doesn’t happen. I’ve worked on plays for months and had them turn out little better than Carrie (the musical).

That has to be magic. Maybe it’s all a big metaphor. Making friends makes you great and confident and talented, but I’m sure that in actuality, Mr. Schuster’s kids are just as bad as they were when they began. So, long story short, club members are either blessed with perfect voices or purposefully horrible voices. I have stopped watching the musical numbers because we are inadequate.

3.   These people are treated horribly

If you’ve seen the show, you know how vindictive and mean the characters can be. Sue Sylvester insults people in very long (albeit funny) and well thought out sentences. I can’t remember the wording, but she told some poor boy that his nipples looked like they could be cream puffs if you dusted some powdered sugar on them. She has also told homeless people not to be homeless. She asked unattractive and fat people to stay home so she wouldn’t have to look at them. 

The worst part, though, is that everyone around her just accepts it. I’m telling you, this is a very corrupt version of our world. Sue gains tons of power. She made the principal a janitor and took his spot. She constantly screws up the glee club (but they always seem perfect, I don’t know why they get stressed) and is generally a meanie. Then there’s the evilness of those bullies.

4.   The bullies are horrible (and the school doesn’t care)

As part of being in a club where you perform in front of people, you are bullied. Mainly by football players (which is odd, because they perform in front of people, too) and the cheerleaders (who also perform!). You probably have or had a strict no bullying policy. You never saw blatant pranks happening in the halls, like dousing someone with a slushie (what’s up with the slushies?) or insulting them loudly. I’m sure it happens, but it would be a rare occasion. And when it did, they got in truble because they did it out in the open. In a hallway. During school hours. In a crowded place.

Maybe they had better things to do than their jobs.

Every time someone has acted out like that in my school they were punished. Conferences, suspension, expulsion, even the po-po. But here, the faculty doesn’t give a flying fuck. They let it happen. They don’t comment on it. I can’t sit there and watch people get publicly humiliated like that. It’s just total bullshit. I pressed a bagel with cream cheese to some guy’s face in elementary school and got in big trouble. And yes that’s a true story. Even at the most lax schools you don’t get away with that blatant bullying.

I know there's a ton more but I am stopping here because I want to. Comment if you agree or have any other ideas about this show. I think I got done with this show the minute there was a whole debacle over about a girl's fat mom.

Stages of Going (back) To The Gym

The Stages of Going (back) To The Gym

                It’s after the new year started. People have that idea in their heads that in order to make the new year awesome they need to work out. Inevitably, those people may start, but many will not make it to February. It’s a popular wish. And going there, it really does make you feel better. So why do people stop? Well…

1.     You can’t do anything longer than five minutes (without sounding like a squeaker toy)

Walk into the gym. You have the sweats that your stomach is sort of falling out of, a shirt you found in the back of your closet with stains from God-knows-what, and you are determined. You’ve got your blinders on and head to an empty treadmill. You’ve been on one before, you know how to work it. You clip it to your shirt and click start. You start speed-walking, feeling great.

                Then, you hear fast, hammering steps. You look to your left, and there’s a guy with earbuds in, running like the Flash without panting like a Labrador. 

Sexy.

Instantly, you feel less confident. Next to this guy, you’re a clueless first-timer. Oh well, ignore him. But then you have to speed up, so you feel a little better. So you run, and you feel great, but then you start breathing so fast the music can’t mask it. If you aren’t careful, someone is going to come by and ask if they need to call 911. So you slow down, but dear God, you’re breathing like a dog with its last breaths. The guy next to you is still sprinting.

2.       People accomplish the impossible.

So you leave the treadmill, try to steady your breaths, and walk with jelly legs to the weight room. It’s five, so the gym is crowded with good looking people with tans. You ignore them. There are so many machines, and they all look like well-made medieval torture machines. You go to one with a rotating chair that works your abs. You don’t want to look clueless, so you read the chart and then discover it’s written in some indecipherable version of English. Well, you got the gist from the pictures, so you go ahead and start. It’s on the lowest setting, thank God, and you start going, feeling like a regular.

You know what happens next? You know what happens next. You turn your head because you’re bored and you see some Adonis on a slanted board that only supports him from the waist down, and then, with sheer willpower (and great abs), bends his body downward in a perfectly straight spinal line and picks up a heavy disk. He then proceeds to lift himself up and lower himself down, like a graceful dolphin doing tricks at SeaWorld. You gape. That isn’t natural. People aren’t supposed to have to do that kind of thing. But there’s some buff guy, showing everyone up in the gym with his impossible feats. And he’s not the only one.

Every person who looks like they have just enough muscle to lift a sandwich starts lifting weights. Not the teeny ones, not even the 20 pounders. They’re carrying around the heaviest weights in the room like they’re waiters. Now your rotating chair doesn’t seem so impressive.

3.       You didn’t think you’d care, but you do care. You care too much.

You may be saying (as you sit at your computer or chair with a smart phone or hologram or whatever) that it’s a gym, and everyone is going there to get in better shape. That’s the core of it all, sure, and you wouldn't think you’d care what other sweaty strangers think of your decade old Duran Duran T-shirt.

Face it. You care, Ralph.

The problem is, there are too many beautiful people you want to bone in the gym, and some horrible part of your brain is making you uncomfortable so you don’t lose any chance you have to get some. You tell yourself that this is a place to better yourself. Your brain (or genitals?) tells you the guy doing crunches looks lonely. You can no longer appear weak to him. So your mind psyches you out and makes you self-conscious, because that’s a real turn-on (good job, brain). But then again, what if you run into…

4.       Your elementary school crush - he is gorgeous and on the rowing machine

You should have known this would happen, really. You went to a gym in the state! Of course you’ll run into that guy you were in love with all throughout your childhood. In your worst sweats (the absolute worst ones, the ones that were totally black but have faded into dark gray, and show your big honkin' pantyline) you see him, using those beautiful, toned arms to lift heavy things above his head. You’re on your own elliptical, trying to go fast enough that people won’t think you’re a pansy but slow enough that you don’t turn into a soaking red mess, and you keep looking at him.

In a dream world, you’d walk past with your butt in nice leggings, walking like it’s no big deal, and you’re listening to music. He would touch your arm, and you’d turn to him with a sweat-free face, and he’d say, “Hi.” But in the gym, he turns and sees you and you wave. You’re like a puppy that was left in the rain, your belly pudge has peeked from its cave, and you're too out of breath to mumble back a reply. For the rest of the day, you imagine being fucked right in that gym by him. And no one can work out when they feel like that.

Through it all, you still went to the gym. The first time is always the worst (if that's not true, totally tell me horror stories!). You got off your ass, and now you can rub in it people's faces when you mention it offhandedly during a conversation. "Yeah, I worked out last night," never fails to impress. 

Good job, dude. Now shut up about it and go to work.