How To... Have a One Night Stand

Dating is time consuming. It can also be expensive. Plus, finding someone who wants to spend a few hours with you and watch you eat can be difficult. A perk of dating can be sex. You can text your significant other anytime and just be like, "Hey, I need some peen/lady bits." If you aren't dating and you want sex, it's a little more complicated. Luckily, I've found some success in this, and I have a couple of great tips to make your one night stand awesome.

1. Know where to go

It’s pretty difficult to go to a coffee shop, scope some hottie out, and somehow entice them into getting in bed with you. There are so many variables; what if they don’t want sex? What if they’re gay or in a relationship? What if they’re totally prudish? We live in an era of technology. Use it. Love it.

My first few trysts were results of an anonymous site, and though that was fine and all, it got me more creeper old dick pics than suitable lovers. After that, my little sister (blossoming into the fun that is high school) introduced me to some apps that allow you to rate others based on their appearance. I’ve found two that work well. Hot or Not and Tinder.

The way to get laid

There’s a whole article waiting to be written on how to craft the perfect profile to get the smoking hot guys, but I’ll try to keep it simple. Include flattering photos. Don’t let the pictures with weird backgrounds sneak in. You’ll notice after you’ve started rating guys/girls that if someone is in a bathroom on a toilet, it’s not sexy. Don’t choose those pictures that make you look like a tool. Unless you want tools. In that case I guess it’s fine.

Just go through your accounts and rate guys. Be honest with yourself. Could you see this guy/girl on top of you? Would you be turned on by their smile? Do they look clean? Be picky. There will be hundreds of guys to choose from, and chances are, someone will dig you like you dig them.

2.  Craft messages carefully

So you’ve got a queue of guys/girls who have liked you back, and now you’re able to message them. This is the exciting part. It’s also the hardest part. Sometimes you’ll get a message first, but it’s usually a ‘hey’ or something, pretty lame. If you really want to be successful, you need to pretend like you’re in person. Or at least pretend you’re really confident. Confidence is key.

Read the person’s little profile. Look through the pictures and try to find something you both like, or find something interesting about him or her. For instance. One ridiculously hot guy had a little description that merely said, “you should get to know me.” Use this to your advantage. Message him, “I should get to know you, huh?” You’ve got some coy in there, you’ve started with a question that will get you some answers, and you’ve made the first move.

From then on, find other things you have in common. Find out if you share the same ideas. Be under the radar about it; unless it’s really who you are and he/she is really giving off that vibe, don’t outright say you’re looking for a lay. Let your messages be flirty. Make that person want to know you. Drop hints about what you should do together, i.e., “we should get some falafel sometime” or whatever you both dig. Whatever it is, somehow get to a point where you have to meet in person to do something.

3. Be safe about it

You want to avoid this.

You and Hottie have made some little plans. They’re kind of vague, because making really specific plans just comes off as desperate. Decide if you want this person to know where you live. Would you be freaked out knowing this person knows where you are located? Would you feel more comfortable going to his or her place? A lot of this depends on who can host, but make sure you’re comfortable with it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, like “is your room clean?” “does it smell bad?” because it’s hard to get it on when the smell of dog shit permeates the room.

Bring your own protection. You don’t know if this person is safe (though hopefully you’ve established your drug/disease free) and no one wants to get pregnant. You should also bring with you a couple of other items. Minty gum is helpful, or some form of mints; an energy or granola bar, because stomach rumbling sucks and asking for food is awkward; cash, because who knows if you’ll want some Coke after it all? Also, if you’re into it, bring along a pair of heels, ladies. They definitely work well. Make sure you have your phone with you and charged.

Also, if his house looks ridiculously sketch, it may be a better idea to text him and say you couldn’t find it. Or tell him you have herpes (I did that once when I wanted to get out of it. Worked perfectly).

4. What to do after

So. You and whomever you’ve decided is worthy of your genitals have done the deed, and now it’s the awkward bit. The clean-up has started, the clothes are being put back on, and mumbles are happening. The best thing to do is gather that confidence again. Remind yourself of what this is; a one night thing. Tell him or her thanks, that you enjoyed it (even if you didn't

Oh,yeah. 

: don’t be a bitch), and grab your belongings. MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING. I’m telling you, leaving something over is awful. Then you have a whole set of issues. Just get all the stuff you brought.

Sometimes you’ll be walked to the door. Let them walk you to the door if it was enjoyable and you want it to happen maybe again. Usually, when you’re walked out, you leave with a kiss, sealing that this was a good time. If it was bad or you really want to go, wave and leave. Don’t turn around and look back. Bam. You’ve just banged someone you hand-picked.

Overall, DO NOT think of leaving as the ‘walk of shame’. It’s the STRIDE OF PRIDE.