Right Dream, Wrong Time

Have you ever wanted something really, really bad? And have you ever gotten that thing and then had to say no because it's the wrong time? I waited my whole life for this thing. When I saw it was within my reach, I was very conflicted. It was what I always wanted, something I knew would make me happy. But it was the wrong time, the complete wrong time for it. I had to deal with the euphoria of having it so close, but I had to push it away.

It's a tough feeling. Sometimes I go back to the moment when I had it, just to remember what it feels like to have a lifelong dream realized. I remind myself often and tell myself it will happen some other day, when I'm ready. Because no way am I ready for this opportunity now. I couldn't take it. I'm still conflicted about it. I regret some days, but I know it was the right choice. It's a good thing in theory, but giving that dream up for now was the best decision for me.

When I had that dream right in my hand, I felt like I was starting my life. Every second I felt conflict, though, because keeping that dream alive would not be good for me right now. And now that I gave that dream a rain check, I find I am even more impatient to start life and have that dream for real this time. I have dreams pretty often about it. I'm happy in those dreams. I feel like I was given a chance to taste it until it actually happens.

It's Coming Up

As you (most likely don't) know, I am to graduate in May. As I keep telling people, that's if I pass my classes. Not that I'm in danger of that. I just like to keep a hint of caution. I will have a creative writing degree. It's, like, my dream degree. I didn't even realize how perfect it was until I had been in it for a while. But it all adds up.

• At night, I was the best bedtime story teller. 
• I ate up books; children's and young adult. Still primarily read those.
• I actually wrote a few 'books,' including a book that I bound in cardboard about a unicorn who went on a journey to find other unicorns. She meets a giant spider in the forest. (I had no idea about that movie, The Last Unicorn)
• I also wrote a little four page poetry book. I wrote on the front who illustrated it (me) and who wrote it (me). It was a thrill to see my name on a cover.
• My senior year of high school I got to take a lot of elective courses. From a catalog, I selected creative writing, and it was the #1 class for me. I spent hours on my portfolio, literally binding ten little books with a work each in them to all fit into one of those decorative books that open.
• In English classes, my essays always had a sense of self. I loved writing days.
• I worked in the library for a class period my junior year. Dear god, the smell of new YA books as they roll in and the satisfying crack as they are opened for the first time... 
• I would get more passionate about the creative essays than the research papers.
• I stay up on all the young adult book trends and authors and titles and such. Always have.

So you see, it was something in front of me all along, but I never really put it together. I wasn't even aware such a degree existed. I heard someone say it in passing and I just reached out and grabbed it. My major used to be vocal performance, because it was something I loved doing, but I didn't enjoy the technical side of it. I minored in it instead and took on the writing degree!

Over the years I have written dozens - if not hundreds - of stories and poems. I have written scripts and written critiques for my peers and worked on my own little novels. I edited other people's work and helped them out with plot and characters. That rush from seeing my name on the cover of something? Still totally there. Now I convert my Word documents into epubs so I can read them on my ereader. Flipping through and seeing my book, even if only I see it, is exhilarating. 

So after graduation, I don't know where I'll go. But I'll always have writing. And I will always know that I majored in something I really love. 

What I'm Doing

The first thing I remember writing is a poem book for my parents. It was probably for Valentine's Day, since it was done in all red construction paper and every poem was about hearts and love. I felt like the coolest person ever holding my own bound (stapled) work and showing my whole family.

After a while, I decided to write about a unicorn, because I really effing love unicorns and fairies and mermaids. This unicorn was all alone and could find no other unicorns, so she went on a journey. On her way, she met a nice but giant talking spider. I didn't get far in it, but I loved writing it. I hand wrote it on printer paper, having taped the blank pages into a crude cardboard hardcover with my own drawing of a unicorn on it. I always sort of wanted to write, and I always did (and man, could I tell a bedtime story!) want to publish something, but it didn't hit me to do it as a job until my senior year of high school.

I've been inspired to help non-writers see their ideas in print. Some people have awesome ideas but have no clue how to write or start, or just don't want to write it, but still think it's a great idea and someone should use it. I don't know how, but I want to help those people. Give me your worn out, your old, your fantastical ideas. I'll write them for you. 

I have probably hundreds or story starts. I have so many ideas; I keep track of them in my phone under notes and constantly come up with new ideas, usually when I'm trying to sleep. I actually like it when my friends tell me that they've always wanted to write a book about [insert book idea here], and they give me the idea. It's like prompts, or very loose outlines.

As a senior creative writing major, I've started to send out my resume and samples of work to places in hopes of obtaining an internship. I've upped my social media game, come back to blogging, and am starting to realize I can make my own path and create my own life.

I've been a fan of Cracked articles for years now and have always dreamed of being published on the site. Some of my posts are in the format of Cracked's stuff, but I've been to afraid to send it in. I think I will now. This is the start of my career. And I know it will be a career, because I love doing it. Sure, I'll have a day job, but this - no matter how it turns out - will always be my passion.